Wow. I am realizing that it’s been almost a year down to the day since I’ve last written a post here (or anywhere aside from social media). So much has transpired over the last year that I don’t really know what I want to say. I started a new job in November of 2019 and most of my energy and efforts have been directed there. COVID-19 has turned the world and all of its inhabitants on their heads and we’re coming up on a huge presidential election in mere weeks. The energy on the planet is wild - and it’s hard to find moments of quiet to process all that is happening around us. Working, schooling, parenting, shopping, isolating from home sounds like it should be a quiet, comfortable situation but I am finding that I have less “me time” than ever.

I imagine many of you have felt the same.

7 months ago schools, many offices, movie theatres, stores, restaurants, in person meetings — LOTS OF THINGS closed and we’ve been pretty “hunkered down” since.

As things have opened back up, we’re still cautious about where we go, how close we get, and how much hand sanitizer we have on hand.

In March, someone close to us was diagnosed with cancer. They have had to undergo testing, oral chemo and surgery and we haven’t been able to hold their hand throughout the process.

We recently learned that another has COVID and is now on hospice as they will not recover from the virus. We are not allowed to visit and can’t even get their fingerprints taken.

Working in Grief - and being inundated with my OWN grief has been tough to navigate — especially without time alone to think/process/feel/grieve/heal ME. It’s really difficult to pour from an empty cup. And my cup has been bone-mother-truckin’ dry for at least the past several weeks.

I can feel myself at a soul level getting weaker. I need a reprieve. Friends. My hobbies. My immediate and extended family (chosen and that of origin). I need music and tv - epsom salt and a nice afternoon nap. I need to give myself credit for surviving to date. For rolling with the punches that 2019-2020 has thrown at my face. I need to see myself the way that my Favorite People see Me.

I need to give myself the grace that I give freely to others. And to believe I’m worthy of all of it.

I need to believe that I AM doing great - even if nobody else ever says so. (But to also believe them when they DO).

My goal for 2021 is to work on my self confidence and emotional intelligence. I want to heal the wounded little inner Sandy once and for all. I want to be patient with myself through the process and to celebrate even small wins. I want to stand tall on my own two feet - and feel my Worthiness to take up space on this planet despite being middle aged and a little worn down.

I dunno, ya’ll. This has been a hell of a ride - and I’m not ready to jump ship so I’ll tighten my seat belt and keep trudging. I came here to learn and grow so —- I had better drink some water.