dillon in his happy place - on the pond
STORMY SEAS AHEAD
Hoo-boy! Has this past few months been a doozy! When I wrote last, I was in the early stages of grief (/liberation?) from the unexpected loss of my job of 13+ years and was taking a moment to dig deep and determine which direction to go given this jarring turn of events.
Prior to being laid off, I had signed up to have a jewelry table at a body/mind/spirit show in nearby Lincoln, Nebraska, so having unexpected time to pour into fresh jewelry pieces was a gigantic gift - as I had been panicking about what I’d even have made up to sell with the time allotted on nights and weekends with parenting duties, etc. With this new time to devote, I was able to rock out tons of dried flower earrings, silver necklaces, and mala bracelets for the show.
The show was fun and I got to see some amazing humans work their magic (including my very best BFF - who was practicing her beautiful, healing Reiki all day long right behind me). I felt drawn to a woman at the show and when she visited our table, we got to talking about death doula work (which is not something that normally just pops up in conversation, btw.) and thankfully exchanged contact information so we could connect more at another time. Fast forward to last week- where she (Tiffany) and I adventured to Colorado by plane and back by train to attend an all day deathwork course in Denver at the lovely Lumber Baron Inn with the incredible DeathWives and their guest speakers. Divine.
Also prior to being laid off, I signed up to take a three day Grief Facilitator Training with local nonprofit, Grief’s Journey. It was one of those things that I stumbled upon, and just knew I needed to sign up for at the time. On a soul level — I feel like I knew I needed to do this training. I didn’t know the why behind it, just that I needed to be there. Thankfully, I didn’t question it and signed up on the spot.
THE WORST STORM IN HISTORY
On July 27th, while visiting with some golden retrievers through a local rescue group** at a nearby pet supply store, I got word that my young nephew (raised like a brother), just shy of turning 24, had died by suicide earlier that morning. I. Was. Broken.
I can’t describe what I felt in those following minutes, hours, days or weeks. I am sure some of you have felt the same indescribable “out of body” type of feeling upon hearing that somebody you love (and had just seen, smiling) is gone. I have a new understanding of both life and death due to what happened around 9am on July 27th, 2019. Suicide death is particularly difficult as it comes with a mixed bag of stigma, guilt, shame and its own uniquely complex set of “what if’s” “if only’s” and “why didn’t I see the signs?!!!”.
LIGHTHOUSE
I’m very grateful that my family was considerate of my 3-day grief support facilitation training and held the funeral on Thursday so that I could still attend my class (starting at 7:45am the next day). I didn’t know how I would do it - physically, emotionally, psychologically or socially, but I showed up and put my brave (read: vulnerable) face on - and powered through. I think having that training, and being surrounded by two of my friends and entire room of people who were there learning how to help grieving people - was one of the biggest blessings surrounding this tremendous loss. I feel like…something Within me or Outside of me (Beyond me?) - prepared me for the fall. (Side note: I actually had a prophetic dream a day or two prior to his death about “stormy seas ahead” as well - but I recalled arguing back with the informants/Powers That Be that I “had already suffered enough storms for the time being, thank you very much!” - with my job loss and all.)
Apparently that’s not how things work. And, the dream made a lot of sense when I reflected back on events leading up to his death. I have deep gratitude for the “warning” even though I didn’t understand what “the storms” would entail.
SEA LEGS & FINDING THE SHORE
Somehow it has been nearly 3 months since that dreadful day and I am just now getting my feet back on the ground and am grateful to have creativity returning to my soul.
I have been volunteering at a hospice agency and with the grief support nonprofit — which has been a true blessing. I’d always wanted to volunteer but never had extra time to do it well. I’m letting go and trusting that all of these experiences and lessons and losses are leading me down My Path (whatever that means). I feel in my heart that I am where I should be even though it’s scary not being employed and watching money flow out but not back in — (on that note! I’m actively working on landing a meaningful job - so please send good juju this way).
MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
I didn’t expect any of these things to happen — yet — deep (deep) down, I think some part of me actually did. I can’t really describe it. It somehow makes so much sense. I don’t get it. So - I will stop trying — and just keep rolling with it. A day at a time.
Thank you for reading.
My love ALWAYS to you and yours.
xo
Sandy
**This seems super random, but is very relevant in retrospect, because I had just connected with a beautiful female golden who reminded me of my beloved Zoe. This dog, I was told, had just been diagnosed with cancer (which Zoe also had) and I felt an even deeper connection with her and my sweet, deeply missed, Zoe in that moment. I find it very interesting and not coincidental that Zoe was top of mind and heart when I got this devastating news. Zoe was around most of Dillon’s life and they loved one another, as well. Zoe knew my deep love for those twins — and would want to be there to support and comfort me through my deep pain. (Thank you, Zoe.)