“Metamorphosis: 1a: change of physical form, structure, or substance especially by supernatural means the metamorphosis of humans into animals. b: a striking alteration in appearance, character, or circumstances “ -merriam-webster
synonyms for change: revolution, shift, transform, transition, revise, break, refine, transmute, reconstruct, diversify, innovate, develop, advance, adjust.
As I sit down to attempt to write about what I believe to be the biggest non-physical-death-related change in my adult life, all I can think of are a million and one quotes, song lyrics, literary, biological, scientific, etc. references, analogies or memes about “change”.
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.” “There is nothing permanent except change.” “Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by discomfort.” “Change begins at the end of your comfort zone.” “All great changes are preceded by chaos.” “We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.” “Seasons change and so do we.” “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” “Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” “If not now, when?” “You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.” “Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I’ve ever been.”
I’m struggling to put the gravity of it all into words that might come close to doing my thoughts and feelings some justice. Like where do I even begin and how much do I want to share, you know? How do I even feel about it in this exact moment in time; as I sit alone on this Thanksgiving morning 2021.
I came to the website editor to do one thing; update the “about us” section to reflect the shift from a family of 3 to a family of 2 (plus our amazing animal family members). Removing the 3rd family member of a decade and a half felt incredibly uncomfortable, ice cold, heart-wrenching, Shakespeare-grade tragic, emotionally painful, brutally honest, sadly necessary, so. effing. FINAL.
And, then I felt a need to talk about it. To at least acknowledge The Change. The waves of discomfort, bravery, honesty, fear, courage, vulnerability, questioning, liberation, tears, and overall crushing weight of three and a half months of sometimes confusing and almost constantly painful limbo between The Decision and the physical Parting of Ways. The ending of a 15 year relationship.
To the Now. The reality. The settling in. The blank canvas. The quiet. The lonely. The sometimes free-time. The unbecoming and the becoming. The Thanksgiving morning sitting in deep reflective thought, crying occasionally, clicking away at the keyboard trying to put what just transpired into words for the sake of posterity and practicing some “1st annual uncoupled holiday” self-care. ‘Cause “practice what you preach, Snadfra.”
Ugh.
Change. It’s messy. It’s scary as hell. It is The Great Unknown. It isn’t comfortable or “safe”. It’s deeply personal and can be really effing lonely. It’s both unbecoming and becoming. It’s so incredibly necessary for growth and survival. It can also be a second or third chance at life, love, happiness, growth, metamorphosis, blooming, an opportunity to wake up all the senses and THRIVE vs just survive.
We only get one shot — at least in this particular body/lifetime/dimension with these particular life experiences and fellow travelers. I don’t know much about much but I do know that life isn’t meant to be spent feeling or allowing our person to feel checked-out, disconnected, unworthy, undesirable, burdensome, too much, not enough, or just plain hard to love.
We are always enough. We are worthy. We are not hard to love. We don’t need to stay where we’re hurting and causing retaliatory wounds.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Yes, it’s gonna hurt. But that’s OK. Because maybe, just maybe staying ultimately hurts much, much worse.
Til next time. I’ll be over here allowing my fresh wings to dry so I can hopefully take flight. Thanks for journeying with me.
Onward.
Sandy Kaye